Monday, April 16, 2012

missing my princess

IV.XVI.MMIX

Today is the day that breaks my heart more than any other day in the year.

It is a day that I am reminded of every day when I look at my naked self in the mirror and see it tattooed on my rib cage, staring back at me.

Today is the day I lost my dog/sister, Millie.

It is a day that I will never ever forget. Because the thing taken away was just oh so unforgettable. So where do I start? There is so much that I could say..

I know it has been three years (but holy crap, three? howwwww has it been so long), but the ache still really hurts. Like, REALLY hurts. As I write this I am literally sobbing. Dripping with tears... but it had slipped my mind a little bit, but the other day when I was on the phone with my mom she reminded me that her death date was coming up on monday, and I sobbed. How could I have forgotten that it was approaching?

I immediately went and looked at all the pictures I have, but there aren't nearly enough. If I had a million pictures of Millie it wouldn't be enough to fill the hole that is brought on by her absence. Nothing will.

We have some really great dogs that we got after Millie passed away, and they are amazing and I love them.. but they aren't Millie. Millie literally grew up with me and my sister. She WAS a sister. When we had sleepovers, Millie HAD to be there. Even when we didn't want her there she tried SO friggen hard to be cool and to be one of the girls.

I remember one time, when I was like 12... I had a friend sleepover and so we brought up the air mattress and put it beside my bed in my bedroom.. and so being young and ridiculous, the next day I decided to sleep on the airmatress instead of sleeping on my own bed. And so I was kind of hidden in the corner of my room.. and I guess at some point in the night Millie came in and slept on the floor, totally not noticing me sleeping on the floor. (or the bed, because I bet she checked because otherwise without a doubt she would hop in bed and hog it). And so at like 5 am I woke up because Millie was having a snorfest and it was super loud. but OF COURSE because she was in my room I wanted to cuddle. So I'm like "pssssst MILLIE"

And she wakes up, EFFIN TERRIFIED Runs down the stairs, falls a bit, and whimpers. Waking up my parents who thought someone broke in. hahaha like, seriously millie. suuuuch a good guard dog. the girl was terrified of thunderstorms, fireworks, and circles (especially yoga balls).

I miss her. I miss the goofy stories I have of her. I miss how absolutely disgusting and smelly she was most of the time, but how she thought she was the sexiest princess ever. Her motto? "it's all about me, deal with it."
I just miss it all. I would literally give ANYTHING to have one last cuddle with her.. Seriously, anything. To snuggle up to that stinky, but amazing, girl - ahh, it would mean everything to me.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. The last time I said goodbye to her, when I was going back to Guelph after Easter to finish exams, she was sleeping and snoring and I gave her a quick scratch. If I had known it would have been goodbye forever I would have hugged her for hours and like, really, I would have never been able to let her go.

A lot of people won't understand how much it hurts to lose a dog unless they had one growing up too. It isn't like I lost a pet dog... Nope, I lost my sister. Who grew up with me. Whose life was taken away far too suddenly and unexpectedly. It leaves an ache that just can't be compared to anything that I have ever known.

Millie was my best friend. And one of the best sisters (you too, brooke) that I could have ever asked for. She was always down to play, or cuddle, or just be there.. That is something that can't be replaced and thus will always be missed. Such a perfect way to grow up.

Gosh, I miss you so much Millie. Today, and everyday.

Forever my princess.

2 comments:

  1. I'm crying too. I still see her walking down the stairs (toy in mouth) with bedroom eyes and her whimpery voice - and how she stopped half way down just to look at all of us when we came home from vacation. I still see how cocky she was 2 weeks before she died. Doing the balance beam at the dog park and suddenly realizing that it was high and narrow - YOIKS! Naptime on couch no problem. It was me and 4 dogs - she never realized she was big. I loved seeing her on the bed when you gals had your friends over. I miss my daughter and cuddle muffin so much.

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