Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I won't let you close enough to hurt me..

That darn Adele.. always pumping out lyrics that speak to the soul!

I totally understand what she means with those lyrics.. but also, it totally made me realize that maybe pushing everyone away just because you are scared to be hurt is a terrible idea... and THUS - this blog post was born. Enjoy. It is a lot like a diary entry, tbqh.

I have realized that I am my own worst enemy. When it comes to dating anyway. I do this thing, where I want and want and want and complain and complain and complain day in and day out about wanting a boyfriend so badly (and I am pretty sure I drive my friends bonkers, but they put up with it because they love me) - and yet, when the opportunity begins to present itself, I manage to find a way to ruin it in some way or another. Why? Why would I do that?

I know it is not because I am not awesome. Because I am. And I know it isn't because I would be a bad girlfriend or anything like that, because I would be the best. But its more like, I am actually so afraid to let anyone close to me because I actually am a little scared to be hurt. For real.

A key part to any healthy relationship is openness.. and not just openness as in you tell them every think you like and you don't like and mundane details, but opening yourself up to that person in such an emotional way that makes you so vulnerable.

Like, putting everything out there on the table and just really hoping that they want what you have to offer... and not just want it, but NEED it, and cherish it.. Talk about vul-ner-a-ble!

And that is so scary for me, because I have lived my life feeling like I am not good enough. Not good enough for anyone, not even myself, really. And admittedly, I have a track record for falling for the wrong people, and like, I think it shows in the way I carry myself.

And maybe I am just cold... But I really don't think thats it. It's just that I don't want to open myself up again to someone only to be spit on. Its the worst feeling in the world, and it takes a REALLY long time to recover from something like that.


Okay, I talked out my emotions, in a very public way, and I wrote this all out I realized how much I am over thinking EVERYTHING here. I legit feel like my head could explode like that picture if I keep this crap up. Maybe because I would shoot myself for being so lame and pathetic. It is time to stop thinking, and to start living.

And this? Right here? This is me slapping myself and getting ready to change. What can I expect other than feeling alone and vulnerable if I am not even friggen WILLING to change it. It's pathetic, and sad, and I want nothing to do with it. This is me making a conscious effort to change.

Not a change so I can get a boyfriend, no. But a change so I can stop living my life being so scared that everyone I meet is out to hurt me. There are good and wonderful people in the world, and I have spent a lot of my life pushing those people away. That is CRAZY. And stupid.

Crazy and stupid are two qualities I do not want associated with me (haters say what you want about that, I don't even friggen care).

This is me, letting go of the past. And this is me welcoming in whatever the future has to offer with open arms. Gosh, I just realized that I have so much to look forward too. But if you don't take chances, well then, you never can EVER know what could have been. And I think I am pretty good, when it comes to anything OTHER than boys, at taking chances and opening myself up. So why not this too? I'm young, I am growing up, and I am definitely still learning (I don't think that ever stops).. and you get the luxury of (voluntarily) reading about it along the way!

(man, that felt good!)