Saturday, December 31, 2011

qod: bob marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

Judge not unless you judge yourself.

Who are you to judge the life I live?. I know I'm not perfect & I don't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.

Today, people struggle to find what's real. Everything has become so synthetic that a lot of people, all they want is to grasp onto hope.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Pain Of Being Unbroken.

You know. I am a big fan of the whole "the past has made me stronger" thing. Because I know it is true. Every heartache, every trial or tribulation, even the happiest of moments - because of those moments, I have become who I am because of these moments.

And I cant imagine what life would be like without these moments.

But obviously not. Because this is my life. It happened. And now I am here. Shaped by the events of my past. But I keep thinking about some things, and really just thinking - would I change it if I could?

And I think there are some things I would. Not because I regret anything. But because there are somethings that I just wish I could save myself from. Tell myself things that I know now. To not get caught up in the lies. To be strong enough to say no, or goodbye, or to have never said hello.

The moments I want back are the moments where I was so fragile. Where a part of me really knew I needed saving, but there was a stronger part giving in. And that hurts. Because no matter what I do, or what I think now.. I can't change the past. And a part of me will always hurt because of it.

That is why I am so proud of my latest tattoo... my "unbroken".. Because I think this is exactly the emotions I feel embodied into one blog post. These events have made me everything I am today, and yet, there is a part that will always hurt, always ache, because of the brokenness.

And sometimes, despite my best efforts, it devastates me. It makes me feel like my insides are being stretched apart by invisible forces and my chest gets this empty pit feeling. Like my body is saying "no matter what you do - you could cry, you could retaliate, you will always have this feeling here. So live with it, and let it make you stronger."

But sometimes I don't want to be stronger.

Sometimes I want to go back at time and save me from myself.

Sometimes I just want to be free.

I am my own worst enemy. And that sucks.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Spending Boxing Day on a Waterfall

Merry Christmas everyone. A day late, but better than never!

So. While many people were out trying to find those epic boxing day deals, me and my family were in sunny jamaica - climbing a waterfall.

So we had planned to do "Dunn's River Falls" from day 1 of this trip, and decided on boxing day because we heard that no cruise ships were docking, so it would be less busy. All 14 of us packed into a little bus, and we headed out to do the falls.

I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe like treking beside the falls and then getting to the top and getting to admite the beauty. I hadn't even seen a picture of the falls so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But whatever I was expecting was NOT what we did.

We get to the falls, get into a tour group of like 20-25 people, and we starting effin CLIMBING UP THE WATERY ROCKS OF THE FALLS. Seriously. Start to bottom. We climbed up the waterfall.

And apparently, our tour guy Stuart was a bit more adventurous than the other guides. Because we saw several tour groups passing riiiiiight by us, and yet we were forced so the scale the side of an edgeless rock while being pelted by an extremely strong waterfall current.

Can't say I am mad at Stuart, though.

It was awesome. We laughed. We screamed. We bruised our knees. But I will look back at today, December 26th 2011, as one of the coolest days of my life. Seriously. For $20 I got to challenge myself and climb directly up the middle of a waterfall. How many people are able to say that?

If you ever find yourself in Jamaica, I fully recommend you hit up Dunn's River Falls. I bet it is more fun without younger children, and the elderly, but hey - if they are up for it, the guides do make sure everyone is safe.

Shit.

I love the holidays.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

seeing what i'm feeling

Today a family member, one who admittedly has not seen me too much over the past year, made a comment that really affected me today. In a really, really good way. We were just sitting around the pool, lounging and soaking up the beautiful Jamaican sun.. when she commented

"Kelsey. This is the happiest I have ever seen you."

And that just made me beam. I was so happy, it was like a moment of rejoicing almost. People are finally seeing what I am feeling inside. I feel so happy and so great about myself, and I know that that was not the case about a year ago.. I worked my butt of to get myself where I am now, and just to see that the people closest to me have even noticed a change. Well, that is special.

It just really hones in the fact that you are not your past. In a matter of seconds, you can decide to make a change. Change everything you know about the world, the people around you, and mostly importantly - what you know about yourself. It feels so rejuvenating. And to be quite honest, hearing that I look and sound happy is a better compliment than telling me I look pretty or have a rocking beach bod (thats nice too... I mean.. )

LOVE ONE ANOTHER (that means yourself, too!)

Monday, December 19, 2011

Greetings from Jamaica!!

So. I meant to post these pictures before I left.. Being like... Hey... Look... How awesome is this... I am going to Jamaica! You jelly? But, things got so busy, and so now I will post some of these pictures now.

So uh.. here goes nothing:

You jelly?? ;)





That little girl is TOTALLY right, and it isnt strange at ALL. I wanna be brown like Beyonce too, little toddler in a tiara, I want to be brown like Beyonce too...

Anyway! Things are super awesome, and I am unbelievable happy. I wish I could post a picture that could capture the absolute beauty that this villa has. We have an overlook of the sea from our (outdoor) kitchen table. Basically our whole backyard is the ocean. It is just unreal. I was totally flabbergasted when we got here yesterday. Just, wow.

I miss you guys though. And my family, and my puppy.

But, it is almost dinner time!

Much love.

Sending you sunshine!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Me + Frankie = Forever

Okay, so in like slightly more than 24 hours - I, Kelsey Edwards, will be in Jamaica. Probably soaking up the sun, and even more probably will have a drink in hand. So I can't get even more excited. I haven't been on a tropical vacation in years... This is going to be incredible and I can't wait to spend 2 weeks with my fama-jama!

However, it is slightly bittersweet.

I am just sitting here at my cottage, looking at my dear sweet Frankie (and my other 5 dogs) and I keep crying. I am going to have the hardest time leaving little Frank behind.

So, as most of you know ... Frank came to me at a really tough time in my life. And at only 7 weeks old, he really needed me, a mom, to take care of him. But what he didn't realize was that he was taking care of me, too. He helped me so much, I am not even kidding. I had this little bundle of cute overload that loved me so unconditionally. How could I be sad, you know? He made me feel whole again. He made me laugh when I wanted to cry. He is my everything. My world.

I have had him since Oct. 30.. So just slightly over a month. And since that day I got him, when he was only 2 pounds, I have not slept one night without little Frankie curled up either on my head, between my arms, or on my feet. He has become my little comfort blanket (yep, still little, only 4.5 pounds). Like right now, he just climbed up onto the couch (literally he had to climb) to just cuddle on my lap. Ugh. I love the little shit.

I am so sad and so worried he won't love me or even remember me when I get back. He is going to be living with 5 other awesome dogs, and 2 awesome grand parents. And 2 weeks is a really long time. Ugh. It breaks my heart.

I LOVE YOU FRANKIE. And I will see you in 2 weeks. Ugh. Is it just me or do goodbyes seem a bit harder when it involves a puppy? Anyone with me on this one?

Leaving Frankie is Jamaican me sad

:(

Friday, December 16, 2011

qod: emotional wounds

People have scars.

In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar...

But some of them don’t.

Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.

What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did?

Maybe our old wounds teach us something.

They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it?

Some things we just have to learn over.

And over.

And over again.

When An Atheist Dies...

RIP Christopher Hitchens.. one of my favourite atheists.. Who has such amazing quotes, and who wasn't afraid to say what he thought in a witty way. The man who put some really awesome doubt into my mind. Who helped to shape me into the skeptical women I am today.

Here are some of my favourite quotes from the late Christopher Hitchens:

"That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.

The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.

Human decency is not derived from religion. It precedes it.

Our belief is not a belief. Our principles are not a faith. We do not rely soley upon science and reason, because these are necessary rather than sufficient factors, but we distrust anything that contradicts science or outrages reason. We may differ on many things, but what we respect is free inquiry, openmindedness, and the pursuit of ideas for their own sake.

The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks.

I suppose that one reason I have always detested religion is its sly tendency to insinuate the idea that the universe is designed with 'you' in mind or, even worse, that there is a divine plan into which one fits whether one knows it or not. This kind of modesty is too arrogant for me.

I try to deny myself any illusions or delusions, and I think that this perhaps entitles me to try and deny the same to others, at least as long as they refuse to keep their fantasies to themselves.

Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.

Faith is the surrender of the mind; it’s the surrender of reason, it’s the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other mammals. It’s our need to believe, and to surrender our skepticism and our reason, our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something, that is the sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.

Hatred, though it provides often rather junky energy, is a terrific way of getting you out of bed in the morning and keeping you going. If you don’t let it get out of hand, it can be canalized into writing.

The four most overrated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics."

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

As I was watching The Grinch with my mother, all I could think (after I got over the fact at how CUTE Taylor Momsen used to be... and well.. yeah...)


is how hilarious this movie is! I always loved it as a younger lass, but now that I am older. I found I really really enjoyed it on a comedic level. Of course there were sad parts, like that poor little Grinch getting picked on. But wow. It is way funnier than I remembered. Here are my favourite Grinch moments (well.. the ones I could find online)





lol sorry. had to.






lol sorry. had to (again).

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Maybe Some Women..

Maybe some women

aren't meant to be tamed...

Maybe they need to run free,

until they find someone

just as wild to run with them.

Me After Exams Are Finished

Which will be in 3 hours... WOO!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I am... unbroken

So, it has been over a week and I haven't even blogged about my newest tattoo yet! I know, even I am a little confused about that. I think it is because I don't even know where to start or what to say or how to verbalize what my tattoo means to me. But, I will try.

Unbroken.


As most of you probably recognize, that is the title of Demi Lovato's most recent album. And it is a really great album, but that's not WHY I got the tattoo. The word struck me before I had even heard any of the songs. It rang something so real and so true through my body, and I knew from the minute I saw it - that this was it. This was my next tattoo.

Some people have asked if this has to do with my heart being broken. And in a way, yes it does. But not in the classic "a boy broke my heart," way.. In a.. "I have been through so much, and suffered a lot, and my heart has broken bit by bit along the way" way. Big difference.

You may look at me and think I am fine, and I have this great life. But some days, it takes a lot for me to smile. Some days, I don't want to get out of bed. But I do. And I am a hell of a lot stronger because of it. I fight internal battles all the time, but I don't let them win anymore. I let them teach me something about myself, somethings that maybe I never knew before. Somethings that may have been hard to learn, but make me better for knowing it. And really, at this point in my life - I refuse to be broken any longer.

I may be broke. But I am NOT broken.

My life is no longer my past. My life is how I have grown from the past. That is why I think the birds are a fantastic touch. Like.. what it says to me is that no matter how bad it seems, you are never stuck - you can always fly away. You can always go somewhere more beautiful. You can move your emotions to the place you want to be. And maybe you will hit turbulence (or shitty events) along the way - but that won't stop you.

You know why?

Because you are unbroken.

And being unbroken makes you:

Strong. Powerful. Fearless.

Ready to face what life has to throw at you.

Whole.

Appreciate life for what it is - a gift.

And honestly,

it makes you beautiful.

And I think the location of my tattoo on my collar bone is perfect (even though it hurt really bad getting it done). Thank you for all your help trying to decide where to get it. It was kind of hard though because I didn't tell anyone what I was getting done! This may sound ridiculous, I just think this placement is honestly really strong. It is like, here I am, and here are my emotions. Take them as you will. I am done hiding - so here I am, this is real.. This is me. Not only does this tattoo make me feel unbroken, it makes me feel empowered. It really does make me feel beautiful.

One of the best parts of getting this tattoo, was that I feel like I have really got a friend out of it too. You should check her out! tattoos by vickie

I'm Just Young.. But You're Tasteless

And I want to show you how you all look like beautiful stars tonight! ♥

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong.. You been putting up with my shit just way too long.

I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most....

So I think it's time for us to have a toast:
Let's have a toast for the douchebags.
Let's have a toast for the assholes.
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know.
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs,
That'll never take work off.

Baby, I've got a plan:
Run away as fast as you can.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

partyin'

Seeing as I have spent the entire day in bed (not kidding, I take occasional pee breaks and ventured out at one point to get ice cream) I feel it is extremely appropriate that I write about partying. Yeah? You cool with that.

I have literally never felt so hungover in my life. And like, that is saying something. Ask Dale, he has seen me at my worst - and this, is worse (probably because it is right now and it sucks). But I HATE this feeling. And the worst part is, is that I wasn't even that wasted. I definitely drank a little too much, but I was in control the entire night.. Got poutine.. and was in bed at a reasonable hour.

But now, ugh.

So I decided to reflect on my partying past.

It is almost just crazy to me to think about myself last year (lol ugh). It actually does embarrass me to an extent. But when I would drink, I would get incoherent. I barely remembered any night, and would do stupid shit for sure. But that was just how it was. I loved it. I really did. And because of that fact, there are no regrets involved.

And then, I don't know what happened or why, but I stopped loving it.

And every time I drank I would get tipsy, yes... But not nearly at the same level I used to. And people noticed. All my "friends" commented on how lame I had gotten, and how I needed to get greasy again. And seriously, this happened a lot. If I said I didn't feel like drinking it was like blasphemy. It didn't even matter that I still wanted to come out and hang out with everyone, if I wasn't getting wasted.. I basically wasn't even welcome. The number of times I was called a pussy by these people for not drinking or for not getting "too drunk" or greasy was really high.

And that sucks, right?

Like.. I can have a lot of fun, and I feel better about myself, when I don't drink hard. I still like to party and get crazy every once and a while, but even then I don't drink nearly as much as I used too. And it makes me feel good about myself. I love remembering my nights and I don't want to go back to those black out times.

And I want to be around people who respect that.

Last night, I had a blast (I mean, like shit! I even wore a revealing top and I got motor-boated by my bff)! I was with my best friends and we had so many laughs. This morning when I woke up I just felt so good about myself and my friendships and I thought to myself "this is how it should be". I love having friends that I can go out and get crazy with, but who I can also just hang out with and not be a "pussy" for not wanting to get greasy.

It is really crazy how much things have changed. But in a really great way. I am sooo much happier, all the time.

I probably don't party like I used to because I am not who I used to be. There are more important things in life that I like to go after, and I don't deserve to be resented for that. It is really hard for a lot of people I think.. Like, growing up is so hard.. And you know, life changes like this should be celebrated, not resented.

But anyway.

Long story short: HANGOVERS F*CKIN' SUCK!

If anyone wanted to get me a bag of dill pickle doritos..... I'd be so down for that :)

I love you all so much, and I truly want the best for you. And I just really hope that when you party - you can wake up and feel good about yourself! Because what is the point of doing it any other way?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

qod

"Don't let anything or anyone define YOU.
You are who you are because of what you make of tough situations in your life."


- Demi Lovato

Friday, December 9, 2011

happy birthday

Happy birthday to one of the best people in my life.

To the man who never gave up on me, even when I was a total terror (and really a big ol bitch).

To the man who supports me through my struggles and is there to give me much needed reality checks. The man who picks me up when I am down, the man I know will be the first person I call if I am in trouble.

To the man who makes my mother feel like a princess every single day. The man who helped me see what true love looks like, and helped me to understand that true love is worth waiting for and once you have it it should never fade.

To the man who pretends to love his dog Dexter more than me, because he is worried about picking favourites and upsetting Dexter (that's right, I am on to you).

To the man who inspires me to be a better me, to not give up when it feels so easy.

To the man I am so happy and so fricken lucky to call my dad.

I love you, papa bear!

And don't worry - you don't look a day over 55 ;)