Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Pain Of Being Unbroken.

You know. I am a big fan of the whole "the past has made me stronger" thing. Because I know it is true. Every heartache, every trial or tribulation, even the happiest of moments - because of those moments, I have become who I am because of these moments.

And I cant imagine what life would be like without these moments.

But obviously not. Because this is my life. It happened. And now I am here. Shaped by the events of my past. But I keep thinking about some things, and really just thinking - would I change it if I could?

And I think there are some things I would. Not because I regret anything. But because there are somethings that I just wish I could save myself from. Tell myself things that I know now. To not get caught up in the lies. To be strong enough to say no, or goodbye, or to have never said hello.

The moments I want back are the moments where I was so fragile. Where a part of me really knew I needed saving, but there was a stronger part giving in. And that hurts. Because no matter what I do, or what I think now.. I can't change the past. And a part of me will always hurt because of it.

That is why I am so proud of my latest tattoo... my "unbroken".. Because I think this is exactly the emotions I feel embodied into one blog post. These events have made me everything I am today, and yet, there is a part that will always hurt, always ache, because of the brokenness.

And sometimes, despite my best efforts, it devastates me. It makes me feel like my insides are being stretched apart by invisible forces and my chest gets this empty pit feeling. Like my body is saying "no matter what you do - you could cry, you could retaliate, you will always have this feeling here. So live with it, and let it make you stronger."

But sometimes I don't want to be stronger.

Sometimes I want to go back at time and save me from myself.

Sometimes I just want to be free.

I am my own worst enemy. And that sucks.

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