Sunday, January 2, 2011

the start of it all

it's 2011: when did that happen?

well, all I know is that I want to take a look back at 2010.
What a year that was. So much happened, everything changed. I became the Kelsey Edwards that I am today. And that's not to say that that came easily.

This past year was full of so many challenges.

A whole new group of friends at Guelph, after moving away from someone who was bringing me down to a house full of girls where I only knew one. I had no idea what to expect, I was hoping to be happy and live with girls who didn't make me want to quit school just to get away from them. But what I got was so much better than that. I got 4 of my best friends in the entire world. I got my life back. Actually, I started my life. Which was a miracle. My whole life I lived as a passenger, never being an active member. But thanks to these girls, I was finally living in the moment.

And then summer came, and I moved back to the greasy place I call chat-town. Chatham, along with being the teen pregnancy capital of Ontario, is also high on unemployment - and unfortunately, I joined that statistic. This was terrible, seeing as I was already $2000 in debt with my parents. But at the same time, it was another small miracle. I met and became so close with some of my now best friends. I got to spend so much time with them whether it was drinking, camping, going to the beach, making prank phone calls, or just hanging out with each other. And I never would have been able to do these things if I had had a job. I got to establish and strengthen Chatham friendships, something that I never really had before. It was an amazing summer. Probably the best I had ever had.

I won't spend much time on this, but I fell for someone. The first boy I have ever fallen that hard for - and had that type of relationship with. Just writing this makes me ache, mostly because I know how he hates me. And how I feel so stupid and used. The whole time we were together I knew my feelings were about a million times stronger, but being so smitten and never being in this position before I let it persist way past expiry. The drama that has come from this is almost too much to handle. And it was, really hard. I lost probably 10 pounds, I did way worse in school than I should have, and I hated myself. I became this shell... I was heartbroken, over a boy that never had those feelings for me. And the only thing worse than a heartbreak is knowing that he hates you at the same time. It was unfortunate. But it's over now. And although it hurts, I am verging on tears writing this, I know that not every boy is like that. And that I made mistakes, and I've learned from them. And become a better, and more mature, person from them.

I had 3 tragedies this year. My grandma and grandpa Vaughan died within weeks of each other from April - May. It was the hardest month of my life, so many funerals... so many handshakes... I had hoped that I wouldn't have to be part of a funeral for a long time. And I was pretty sure I wouldn't be, I had 2 living grandmother's left - My Oma and my Grandma Edwards - and they were both healthy and doing well. But, nothing is ever what you thing, and on November 1 I got the call that Grandma Edwards had a fall, and hit her head, and was on life support. I obviously prayed that there was that chance she would make it, but it was too hard on her system, and she died less than an hour after I got that call. She was the greatest lady I know, i look at her and am so inspired. She had 10 kids (9 still living) and they are all incredibly close, and extraordinary. She kept her family together so well, and all her children would agree that she was the reason they all stayed together. The funeral, although impossibly hard, was amazing. I felt so much love for my family, and honestly felt blessed and thankful. RIP to all you amazing grandparents, you are sorely missed.

I lost something else in 2010. Probably one of the biggest parts of me. I lost the Jonas Brothers. The part of my heart that was reserved for them left me. And, as much as I still love them, it is not the same. I don't need the Jonas Brothers anymore. I have another post on twitlonger about this. But it was a big step in my life realizing this, I knew it meant I was growing up.

This is getting really long.
The only thing I still need to say is just that I look at all these hardships of 2010, and I know, they were HARD. Impossible even. 2010 presented me with so many struggles. And yet, I look back at it with nothing but joy. 2010 has been the most important year of my life - and I know that is a big thing to say, but no other year has shaped me the way that 2010 did.

2011: I cannot wait to see what you have in store for me!

1 comment:

  1. So my dear dear girl - is 2011 all you hoped it would be? Life gives us so many turns and twists. It's our dance - our passion - heck - it's just ours and we - each and everyone of us - address it on our own. We may get input - welcome or not - but at the end of it all - our lives are ours alone. Good post. I love you so very very much. Mom